REVIEW: ATKINS CHEESECAKE

Flavorless and textureless.

Atkins Gal and I were having dinner at The Cheesecake Factory last night, and on our pager (which the restaurant gave us to hold while waiting for a table) sported a double-sided advertisement reading:

ONLY 6 NET GRAMS OF CARBS! CHEESECAKE MADE WITH SPLENDA©!

After almost ten days of induction, we gave in readily to the delightful notion of having a real dessert.

It looked like real cheesecake. It smelled like real cheesecake.

It felt, poking it with a fork, like whipped tofu. And it tasted like nothing. Oh, it was sweet, and the thin brown crust on the bottom had some pieces of some kind of nut mixed in, but there was no way anyone could possibly mistake that slice of white stuff for cheesecake.

I think I'll broil myself up a steak tomorrow night to help me forget the disappointment. Ah, the trials of Atkins eating.

AN ORIGINAL ATKINS RECIPE

An unexpected creative facet of this Atkins thing is increased resourcefulness. With such severe limitations on ingredients, soups and stews seem nearly impossible. Yet I achieved just that yesterday: a brand new recipe for chicken celery curried soup, which was amazingly tasty and a welcome change from the all-meat-protein diet.

CHICKEN CELERY CURRY SOUP
2 cups chicken stock (pref from real stock, but canned is passable)
1 tbsp butter (if stock is canned)
1 cup celery, cut into 1-inch pieces
1/2 cup fresh spinach
3 bay leaves
3 peppercorns
1/2 tsp thyme
splash of vinegar
a few drops of soy sauce
2 tbsp curry powder
sour cream

Toss all ingredients (except curry and sour cream) into a pot and bring to a boil. Reduce heat and cover, stirring occassionaly if you really want to, for 20-40 minutes. Stir in the curry powder and cook another couple of minutes. Serve hot with a dollop of sour cream. And careful not to choke on the bay leaves or peppercorns.

Day 7, Atkins Girl Style

First off, have I mentioned that Atkins guy:

• Used his real name, which is not exactly a common name...
  
• Promoted this Atkins blog on other sites? I.e. Myspace? Which means that anyone with half a brain could figure out who Atkins Girl is. Doesn't Atkins Guy realize that women don't like complete strangers to know their weight? Thus the anonymity -- duh.

Oh well.

On Day 7, Atkins Girl can report that she has no clue if she's lost weight. Someone told her her face looked skinnier. Thus far her pants seem to fit the same. I think losing any significant weight in one week is an awful lot to ask. (Note how I switched from 3rd to 1st person in a single paragraph!)

Thus far I'm not eating as much as Atkins Guy. I can report that for the most part, eating a lot of fat and meat makes me full. Genuinely sated and not at all craving snacks or sweets. Yeah, I know... we'll see how long THAT lasts.

Last night was difficult, watching a movie rental with a friend and ording Brazilian takeout. My favorite veggie goat cheese sandwich is my FAVORITE veggie goat cheese sandwich precisely because they put it on such great bread. I had to scrape the yummy melted cheese OFF the crusty white bit of heaven and let the shell of what used to be a substantial sandwich stand alone, crying upside down against the plate. Fucking tragedy.

But somehow, because I know this diet works, I was able to do it.

Today, though, I had a crash. Cactus/Swiss/salami omelette at breakfast with another friend, and coffee (yes, Atkins Guy and I are cheating on that one little thing), and an iced tea, and a walk around the block. When I got home around 2:30, I was sapped of all energy and lolled around on the couch for an hour, making phone calls and almost slurring my words.

Ahhh yes -- the famous (I remember it well) Atkins Brain Fog. Ketosis (burning of body fat for fuel) has begun.

I've since then taken a shower and had a little snack of reheated leftover carne acelobedo (I think that's what it's called -- spiced beef tossed with onion), mixed with cold turkey breast lunch meat. I feel a touch more lively.

Tonight's challenges are twofold:

• Find something on the Urth Caffe menu that I can actually eat
• Survive a karaoke party without resorting to booze

I really, really hope I lose some weight soon. Just 10 pounds would triple my current available wardrobe.

DAY 7: QUANTITY ISSUES

Midnight passed a few minutes ago, meaning I have entered Day 7 of Atkins Induction.

Listing my menus actually makes me a little nauseous. Today, for example, my meals lined up like this:

• 10:00 am -- 5 oz of leftover roast chicken, with mushrooms, scallions, and lots of herbs: sage, parsley, garlic salt, black pepper, lemon juice. Also 1 oz of pan drippings, which tastes a lot like chicken soup.
  
• 1 pm -- 3 eggs, 2 large shiitake mushrooms, spinach, 3 strips of bacon (chopped); 4 more oz of chicken and soup (which was simply too much food, I was uncomfortably full)
  
• 9 pm -- Dinner at Hamburger Hamlet, 12oz hamburger w/ american cheese, a little blue cheese dressing, 6 oz steamed broccoli and cauliflower, three slivers of red pepper
  

I've also been drinking something like six cups of coffee a day, and three or four cans of Splenda-sweetened soda, with perhaps 30 ounces of water scattered throughout the hours.

My weight has been fluctuating, but I'm taking heart in the lower end of the scale. That is, the lowest measured weight is LOWER than what is usually is. For months, I've been holding steady at 192 pounds, no matter what time of day, or size of meal, or size of egestion (look it up) has been.

Today, my lowest measured weight has been 187 (just now, it is 189). This may or may not be significant, but it's at least a possible incremental indicator.

What I should be doing, though, is cutting down on QUANTITY. I still have a tendency to gorge, and I really need to at least start exercising some control over that. All the dieting in the world won't be very helpful if you exhibit the eating habits of a typical doggie. Or of a force-fed goose being raised to create a lovely rich paté.

Week 2: the goal is eating less than 250 pounds of food. I'll let you know.

Carb Count Thus Far Today

3 splenda packets (3 grams)
1 2-net gram Atkins bar (2 grams)

5 grams total of carbs as of 3 p.m.

15 carb grams (at first I typed carg brams) to go.

I am "cheating" a little bit in that I have allowed myself some Atkins products in the first two weeks. During Induction you're supposed to avoid anything that's not a meat, a veggie, an oil or a cheese/cream. But when you're busy and haven't had time to do some proper grocery shopping, you have to make a few concessions.

I justify this decision by the fact that I went to the gym yesterday afternoon.

Also, a note: last night I discovered a safe takeout menu item (I think):

Chili & Mint Leaves with Chicken.

Thai takeout. It's just chicken, green & red pepper slivers, mint leaves, and chili oil. Oil is OK on Atkins. There's no sugar in the clear sauce. Indeed, it tastes like it's all habanero.

16 Grams to Go

I guess I have to use this as a Food Log as well as a general jot board, because otherwise I'll wing it and not write anything down.

BREAKFAST

I think I've had 3 cups of coffee with 3 Splenda packets today. That's 3 grams of carbs.

Also, a salmon spinach cheese omelette. That's another 1 gram of carbs in there somewhere.

Carbs Consumed thus far today: 4 grams.

That means 16 grams to go.

Luckily I'm not terribly hungry at the moment. But I will need to go grocery shopping to stock up my home with safe foods. For the past couple days I've been eating off the supply at Atkins Guy's house.

What He Said.

Yeah, the food at the Hamlet is tasty. Can you believe you can lose weight eating a bleu cheese burger? It's hard to wrap my mind around it.

But it's 12:21 a.m. and just thinking about that dinner is making me hungry again. I think it's time for the last diet soda sip of the evening, and then off to bed, where I'll have sweet dreams of my first love... bacon.

DAY TWO: FAT, FAT, FAT, FAT, FAT (YUMMY)

Welcome back to the unfolding drama of Atkins II: The Second Attempt.

Breakfast was an omelet, filled with diced Hebrew National frank, chopped giant oyster mushroom, and swiss cheese. A few pieces of bacon completed the gloriously aromatic, salty, tasty, fatty meal.

I then hit Hollywood for an audition, but got some hunger pangs. So I stopped in a convenient "Jack in the Box" and smugly ordered me a Jumbo Jack, safely asking them to hold the ketchup (full of sugar and fruit) and onion (just plain stinky). I exulted in walking out with the heavy bag, and immediately removed the bun before my first bite.

Then I panicked. There were pickles and a tomato buried within the gooey yellow mass of cheese!

Strange how the smallest things can make one nuts. I recovered my composure, and carefully removed the offending vegetation and dropped them into the fast-food paper bag, along with the top and bottom of the bun. Which, by the way, weighs a good ton and a half, certainly more than the actual meat, lettuce, and mayo combined. They're not kidding in the Atkins book when they point out we eat WAY too much refined flour, clearly.

I didn't have any hunger pangs until returning home after doing three computer consulting jobs. Atkins Gal and I decided against taking 90-120 minutes to properly prepare a roast chicken, instead heading up to the local Hamburger Hamlet for what turned out to be a fine meal. In fact, I would recommend their low-carb offerings above anything else on their menu:

Bleu Cheese Burger (12 oz) with steamed veggies
Grilled salmon with equally grilled green beans and spinach

Plus this meal cost nearly 30% less than a non-Atkins-friendly one! I'm hooked. Sign me up for that giant hamburger patty again!

Day two and feeling fine. Shooting the "Drake and Josh" show tomorrow -- and I'll be trawling for meats and cheese from Kraft services all day long.

I'm Hungry!

The day started out easy, but boy, once afternoon comes around, if I'm not keeping myself busy, I definitely turn toward food as a form of entertainment. These are the things dieting teaches you.

Luckily we had plenty of snack food around. Lunch meats and cheese. Celery. Diet soda with Splenda. Decaf orange pekoe tea. And a strawberry-flavored yogurt bar, Net Carb Count: 7. That's actually a pretty expensive snack, but I think the fact that I had very little veg today makes it okay.

Today was a steak day. Lunch was a giant t-bone and a little mushroom & bok choi on the side. Yum. Thank God I have a boyfriend who can cook. Steaks are his specialty.

I miss sugar, but other than that... this is one hell of a lovely diet.

THIRTY POUNDS TO GO

A couple of months ago, I noticed that once again (it happens every few years ... or sooner) my pants are all starting to hurt.

At best, there is a little difficulty taking deep breaths. A little worse are the waistlines that require the top button to remain unpopped (jeans in particular seem to fit in this intermediate category). Yet another level includes the suit pants that actually make my intestines groan and belch internally, generating highly embarassing noises that sound kinda like balloons being rubbed rudely together. The ultimate painful pant is the pair that can actually button, but must be unclipped in the car due to the resulting excruciating pain.

Enough is enough. I don't feel like yet again shopping for pants with yet another two inches in the waist. I can remember my 28-inch waisted Levi's 501s back in my freshman year of college, being supplanted by 30-inch corduroys, and then by 32-inch jeans, and 33-inch acid washed Lee Riders during my first job out of college. 34s soon followed in the cheap poplin khakis that so many young adults wear to work; eventually phased out in favor of 36-inch Levi's after moving to Los Angeles; and now my most comfy pants are 38-inchers, meaning I now require MORE than a single yardstick to go around my belly.

Enough, I say! But then again, who wants to diet, count calories, exercise daily in a health club where goons deliberately leave unstacked weights on benches so they can swagger to a mirror and flex for the peanut gallery?

Certainly not me, to all counts. So we turn to the Atkins Diet, a high-protein, low-carb eating plan where you can enjoy all the flavors of meat, fat, butter, and so on and still drop poundage. It worked great for me one before, and I am already enjoying the freedom of the meals again.

Tonight, we had half-pound T-bone steaks, sprinkled with garlic salt and parsley. I roasted and then sauteed a bunch of baby bok choi with sliced shiitake mushrooms, sprinkled in a little chicken stock and mustard, and voila, an incredible meal prepared in less than 25 minutes.

I also just had a Hebrew National frank and a cup of Illy decaf with a drop of heavy cream and a packet of Splenda.

So I won't be eating cakes, cookies, ice cream, bread, crackers, or pancakes for a while. Those are the things that made my pants start to hurt. So farewell for a while and maybe, when my pants and I are on good terms again, we can meet once in a while for coffee.

Atkins Away! 192 pounds and - hopefully - subtracting.

--ATKINS GUY

Day One Begins with Breakfast

We're cutting ourselves a little slack with the caffeine thing, but other than that, our Day One breakfast is pretty perfect. Here's an approximation of what we're eating while watching the Mets play in spring training (Oh, David Wright! He's my diet goal made material.)

• Scottish Salmon
  
• Boursin
• Sliced Swiss
• Sliced Muenster
• Sliced roast beef
• Chock Full o' Nuts with Splenda

We went to the gym last night at 10:00 p.m. Not sure if we're going again this afternoon.

Me, I'm looking forward to setting regular exercise goals. I'm a Capricorn, so I crave structure. I think we're going to attempt to do a regular yoga class at the gym, but I'd also kind of like to play some soccer.

Welcome to Adventures in Atkins

My boyfriend, Atkins Guy, and I are going on our 2nd Atkins Diet. The first time we did this was circa 2003, when we stayed on Induction for about 3 months. Though eventually we got sick of the dietary restrictions, we did lose a LOT of weight... but we never bothered with Ongoing Weight Loss (OWL) and found that returning to carbs meant we returned to unrestricted addiction to sugar.

(We are both pretty fond of bread, cookies and Cold Stone Creamery.)

Long story short - we got chubby again. This journal will track our Second Attempt... this time, aiming to maintain our weight loss in a healthy measured manner after Induction's over.

Atkins Gal's goal: to lose 40 pounds. (Current weight: 170)
Atkins Guy's goal: to lose 30 pounds. (Current weight: 192)

In addition to the diet, we will be exercising at a gym and trying to maintain a varied, active lifestyle. You can track or adventures (or misadventures) in exercise here too.

Wish us luck!